Another Close Call
by tkharmonic
Summary: Ficlet, Lee POV. What goes on inside his head when Kara has another close call.


A/N: This is my very first attempt at any kind of fanfic.

857 words, set after Home (Part 2) and before Pegasus

ANOTHER CLOSE CALL 

Lee couldn't believe it, though he knew he shouldn't be surprised. He should expect this from her, Hades, he should expect nothing less from her by now. Starbuck would always take every risk imaginable, laugh in the face of danger and give no thought whatsoever to her personal safety. No, he wasn't surprised...but he didn't think he would ever get used to the sickening, mind-numbing, heart-stopping terror that seized him when he thought '_this is it, this is the one she's not coming back from'_. With the thought came an avalanche of feeling: rage at her for her carelessness; fear of living his life without her; helpless at watching her die; guilt, because he couldn't protect her; regret that she would die without knowing just how much he loved her, needed her.

By the time his feet hit the floor of the flight deck, she was basking in the congratulations and adoration of everyone around her. Starbuck saves the day again, but how many of them knew just how close she came to not coming back this time. Jaws clenched, wordless, he stalked past them all without looking back. Through the corridor's, he headed for his locker. Once there, he stripped off his clothes and hit the shower. Under the spray he tried to calm himself. Just let it roll off your back like the water, he told himself. As his muscles began to loosen, he found himself wondering (not for the first time) if this was why he was so hesitant to let her know just how much she really meant to him. Knowing her, she'd use it against him like she did everything else. Tease him about his fear of losing her.

Losing. Apollo didn't like losing battles, and Lee Adama didn't like losing control. With Starbuck, he never deluded himself into thinking he actually had any control; and with Kara he always knew he couldn't even control his own emotions. It was a no-win situation, and he really _didn't_ like losing.

She won. She won everything. She won at Triad, she won crazy pilot bets, she won battles in the air, she won over his brother, his father, the entire fleet, and she won his heart. Now it seemed she even won the right to the showers, because he sure couldn't stay once she was there. He couldn't trust himself, yet. She was looking at him; he could feel her eyes on him though he could hear her talking to Racetrack. She was still riding the high tide of the adrenaline rush he'd just washed down the drain. He walked by her without a glance, dressed quickly and went in search of something to hit.

He passed Helo in the hall, likely heading for the Triad table. Him, he looked at, nodded and tried to smile. He was starting to like Helo, though there was still an edge of jealousy or competition between them. At least, in his mind there was, Helo seemed oblivious. Lee resented the man's easy camaraderie with Kara, the closeness of their friendship, though he didn't think there was anything more than friendship going on between those two. Gods knew Helo had his hands full with CylonBoomerSharon and their hybrid toaster baby, no way was there enough of him left for _that_ with Starbuck, she'd eat him alive.

He wrapped his hands and began pounding on the bag. He didn't see the bag. He saw Cylon raiders blowing Vipers out of the sky. He saw Zak's face. He saw his mother crying when his father left too many times. He saw Boomer shooting his father. He saw the face of every man he knew Kara had frakked. He saw Kara's laughing face. He kept hitting the bag until he couldn't see, couldn't breathe and could only hear a slight ringing in his ears. Panting, he knelt with his hands on his knees. His knee made him think of Kara's knee.

Frak! This was crazy, he was crazy. She was crazy and she made him crazy, that must be it. So he did what she always did, he ran. He ran through the halls until he thought he was exhausted enough to be able to sleep, then he ran to his rack. Thank the Gods, there was no one else in the room. He took another quick shower and slid between his sheets, trying to think about nothing.

He did sleep, but he woke when he heard her come in. He pretended he was still sleeping, but she was so drunk she probably wouldn't have seen him anyway. He listened. She was laughing, "Did you see the look on Gaeta's face when I raised him?" and HotDog's chuckling answer "it was priceless, what all was in that pot anyway?"

Lee sighed quietly. He just wanted to hold her in his arms all night, but he would settle for knowing she was safe again, for the night at least, and not too far away. He went back to sleep with the sound of her laughter guiding his dreams.

-End-


End file.
